Unfixable =')

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

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What a day! I feel that I’m sloping down, nothing seems to be right , for a period of time things were going fine I was doing ok trying to put everything together , today I felt that all of this was a lie , I felt like I’m falling apart , l feel that I hardly making it day by day , I just try to ignore thinking about anything that really matters and go on with what I have , I feel if I kept on doing this every now and then I’ll go back to the beginning and have to work everything again , it’s just a closed and empty loop .

Superheroes shouldn’t crash like that, so I guess for now I’m not one, I miss being no one without a excuse, know RA is the reason for everything and not an excuse for anything , I know I have to live with RA , but I can’t accept the idea that because I’m young I have to be strong and never feel weak or act weak , I really don’t know how or what I should do , I would be lying if I said I’m just trying to do my best , I guess I’m just trying to get through the day with a minimal loss .

I’m sick of constant slight pain ¸ I miss my flares, I really do.

For now I’m just a girl who tries to live.

Super Excellent =D

Heroes

Super Excellent

Oxford dictionary defines a hero as “a person who is admired for their courage or outstanding achievements” or “a person of superhuman qualities”, I thought a lot about this definition and I thought a lot of having a real hero to write about, and luckily I found many heroes in my life; my parents, my siblings and many people whom I met in my life and left their marks or people who still have a big impact in changing me and my life to the best. But finally I came to realize, what is better than writing about the person I know the most; myself. My own qualities that qualify me to be considered as a hero or as I like to call myself “a Super hero “. My essay will be about how being me makes me a hero.

I was a normal 17 years old girl, who just started a whole new life in a foreign country, alone, and living with strangers in students dorm. A girl who didn’t know that she has less than one year to live as a normal person and that there is a whole new chapter in her life full [of] with bravery and courage.

A week after my 18^th birthday, I became a hero. I felt an excruciating pain all over my body and I was alone and almost disabled, but having a goal in front of me encouraged me to ignore everything and go on. Walking to school, taking care of my small dorm room, and studying hard, [-]all this was a piece of cake for the sake of becoming what I’ve always dreamed of, being a dentist. Three months passed, but it felt like years. Day after day I became more disabled, eventually I decided to seek medical help, with the hope that it will take a few pills maybe an injection to relief my pain and I’ll be back to my college and I’ll continue on my journey to fulfill my dream. But it didn’t turn out the way I want. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, which means that I’m “out of joints “, ending every hope of becoming a dentist.

Living with this kind of invisible disability is an everyday challenge, especially when I get misjudged by people; not to mention, the creaking knees, the awful pain that won’t go away, the insensitive medications with cruel side effects. In addition to the endless treatment plans, treatment trips, and hospital trips. Moreover, I’ve got to learn to live with all of that and still be able to go to school with no breaks to catch my breath. I had to come up with a whole new life plan that suits me and all important people in my life. And am not ashamed to say, that what happened to me entitles me to be called a hero.

Almost five years passed, and I became an entirely new person. In my opinion, what makes me a hero is that I was able to understand what I was going through and set my abilities and limitations, and I knew when to stop and when to get going. I knew how to bring the best out of myself and to stand against myself, all in order to become a better person for me and for others , I discovered who is the real me .

Super Excellent

I hope this is all your work.

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Here is the essay I was talking about on Thursday; the part written in red is the instructor’s comment.

I really felt speechless in two ways, reading super excellent made me so happy but I think the part that made me speechless is “I hope this is all your work”, I felt a bit sad, but I know deep down that he’ll know in a way or another that this is my work, enough with sadness, I just want to enjoy my small VICTORY =D.

Eventually “from the heart to the heart” is true, I wrote it from my heart and it reached another heart , although I’m feeling depressed , this “half” comment from my instructor made my day .

How ironic , all this because of RA, all my ups and downs are caused by RA.

Thank God, Thank you =).

Stay tuned for another RA princess fairytale =)

Heros

On Wednesday I had an English class, we talked about heroes and we were asked to write about this subject, images of many people kept on passing my mind, I thought who would I rather write about! I thought about my mom, dad, RA Guy *embarrassed*.

Part of me wanted to write about ME, I really felt like a hero when the instructor was discussing the qualities of a hero , I have mixed feelings about saying that RA made me a hero, sadness, embarrassment , sarcasm ; but when I think about it now I find that it’s a matter of choice, I could chose to stay home and letting the feeling of being sad and sorry for myself defeat me , but I chose to go on with my life and take what God have to offer to me , I chose to have my short downs and loooooong ups , I chose to make lemonade out of lemons .

I did write the essay about myself, but it kind of short and vivid and not well and truly expressed, because I was asked to write a short one (250-300) words but I wrote 530 and it still not enough, I think we superheroes can’t get enough of writhing about RA, I think it’s a weak essay and I look like that I’m bragging in it, but thank God it counts for no real marks (I hope so) & I wish the instructor will like it and won’t embarrass me in front of the whole class *embarrassed*.

I’ll post it as soon as the instructor correct it and give it back to me .

Pray for me

Stay tuned for another RA princess fairytale =)

Come Fly With Me =)

Tonight I’m writing my 2^nd post between the clouds, announcing the end of a very nice trip, I’m going back home =D.

I came back from the place which was going to give me my dream, though I can’t see the clouds because it’s a night flight seeing all the darkness with tiny lights every now and then make me think of RA, I don’t think that I’m being pessimistic when I Think aof RA as the darkness and the tiny lights are the moments when I think that I won’t feel the pains of RA again or the chances that I will get to take back part from my life before RA , these tiny lights are so precious because I know how dark it can get sometimes .

Those tiny lights make me think about my last chance to fulfill my biggest dream, and how I let it go, by my will, I become to accept that maybe this dream wasn’t right for me, maybe I’ll have a better life seeking another one, maybe it wasn't meant to be , but the idea that I let go of this dream because of RA fills my heart with sadness , a real sadness that sometimes so intense that it converts to physical pain , not the RA pain but headaches and pain in the eyes because I’m preventing myself from crying , I just can’t cry anymore because it’s not helping me like it did before , it’s frustrating that I cry and cry and cry but I feel that I still have a huge load on my chest .

I think I’m and will be stuck in the denial area for a quit long time, I’m ok with it, because my RA made me know that after each flare the is a long remission, night is followed by light; life isn’t pain free, life keeps on teaching me lessons in all ways and god gave me the privilege of having recess and to know when to stop and when to start again.

RA is a two sided thing, and I think i'm enjoying the good side =).

Stay tuned for another RA princess fairytale .

The First Post in My First Blog

This is my first post , I’m writing it while I’m in vacation , from a coffee shop , I don’t know what to say at first , I think I should introduce myself , I’m a young girl of as rheumatoid arthritis guy says : a superhero , and as I see myself a “RA Princess” , I started this blog loooong after I got RA , I think I started it because of RA .

I really feel like I can’t start by telling my story with RA , I feel like I told it a million time that I picture it as a short movie , a silly one . How wired! The thing that changed my whole life, the thing that changed as a person seems like nothing, I think I feel this way because people think that there is no serious disease other than cancer, people keep on telling me “You’re too young to have ARTHRITIS” ,” Everybody has a little bit of arthritis” , “I know exactly how you feel... (Insert a story here)”, “I think maybe you are so focused on what is hurting right now; you are just feeling it so much more”, "Is it really *that* bad?”, “it’s all in your head” ….. And the list goes on.

First of all , it’s not “ARTHRITIS” , and I’m sure that not everybody have a little bit of it , because it’s an “All or none” thing , moreover , nobody knows how “I” feel unless they have it , and even if they do have it differs from person to person , finally it’s not in my head and it’s really really hurt SO bad .

People keep on thinking about RA as nothing , I really hate it , because it’s a life changing disease and as long as it strike you you’ll have to change your whole life , it made me change my whole life plan .

I know that all RA people knows what I’m talking about , and there is no use of saying all those stuff , so I try not to give a big deal for what people say because all RA bloggers are here and will be here for me , I wish so (A).

For a first post I whined a lot and after I read it again I find it very confusing , but I’ll keep it as it is , it’s my first post and it’s from the heart , so, stay tuned for my next post , I hope it will be a batter one :$ .